


Take It All Back

by ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-28
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2019-04-28 21:47:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14458434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell
Summary: Watching Alexander leave the loft, Magnus remains silent, but that doesn’t mean his thoughts are quiet.





	Take It All Back

**Author's Note:**

> Set between scenes at the start of 3x06, after Alec and Magnus fight.

Magnus opened his mouth, but the words wouldn’t come out. He sat there, moving his lips ever so slightly in the silence that hung between them, but couldn’t bring himself to say another word for fear of making things worse instead of better. That was all he’d done the last two times he spoke, and now look where they were. He could see the hurt etched across Alec’s face, but it was deeper than that - he looked not simply pained, but _betrayed_ by the words. And just watching him process them was enough to break Magnus.  
  


“I lost my appetite.”  
  


Letting out a sigh, Magnus could only sit there. He didn’t trust himself to utter a single syllable more. No, the silence seemed like the safer option, even as Alexander stood from his chair and disappeared out of the apartment without so much as a glance backward to see if Magnus would make a move to stop him.  
  


He wanted to. His entire body ached with the desire to stand, to catch him by the arm and pull him back to the table so they could talk, but he knew how to read a room. Alec was done talking, and Magnus didn’t blame him. That wasn’t at all what he meant to say. This wasn’t a conversation he planned on having, not over freshly squeezed orange juice and french toast… he wasn’t prepared when it came out of nowhere. And when Alec’s tone over the spatula had the undertones of an attack, he foolishly jumped to the defensive, running away with the fear that clouded his thoughts. Instead of taking the time to really listen to the meaning behind his boyfriend’s words, he barely processed the words themselves before reacting.  
 

The door to the loft shut heavily and Magnus jumped in his chair, the sound piercing through his thoughts like a gunshot. Alec was gone. The weight of that thought kept him rooted to his chair, food growing cold as it remained untouched in front of him for a minute. Two minutes. Five minutes. Part of him was waiting for Alexander to come back, but when it was clear he wouldn’t be any time soon he knew he couldn’t sit at the table forever.  
 

“ _You’re twisting this into something that it isn’t.”_    
 

Alec’s words echoed through the quiet of the loft as he cleared away the plates from the table, throwing away the uneaten breakfast without a second thought. This wasn’t about Alec’s past relationships, or lack thereof. This wasn’t even about them here and now. It was about some theoretical there and then - a future neither of them could predict. A future Magnus couldn’t shake the constant fear of having slip through his fingers with one false move, after one wrong word, which would send Alec packing like everyone who came before him. The paralyzing worry of Alec deciding it was easier to walk away than to live out that live of becoming what he viewed as nothing but a burden.  
  


It was easier to make it about that one thing that he had no control over, but that wasn’t what this was about.

   
“ _I’m not a child.”  
_  

The food cleared away, he set about putting the plates and cups in the sink to deal with later, walking the still-full pitcher of orange juice to the fridge. He could hear his own voice answering that statement over and over, the condescending tone he took, as if his own age somehow made his opinions more valid. Surely Alexander knew he hadn’t meant it - that he spoke impulsively, trying to retreat back behind the crumbling remnants of walls he was working so hard to take down. The defense of his past which told him time and time again that any love he felt would only hurt him in the end. That maybe it would be easier for Alec to hate him now than grow to love him so deeply that they both suffered for it in the end.  
 

He knew he didn’t believe that for a second, even as the thought crossed his mind, but it didn’t stop it from intruding and planting itself firmly in the forefront of his mind. That it would be a kindness to push him away while he still could. Similar destructive patterns of thought started to settle into his thinking as he moved to pour himself a whiskey, stopping only when his phone buzzed, vibrating to life with the light of a message. His heart skipped a beat, wondering if - no, hoping that - it was Alexander. That hope fell when he read the name ‘Biscuit’ at the top; Clary needed his help with something urgent.  
 

Desperate for the distraction he placed the bottle back down and picked up the phone in its place, thoughts of his future temporarily left behind for the concerns of the present. “What timing you have - my day just opened up. I’m sending you a portal as we speak.” If he couldn’t fix his own problems perhaps he could at least lend a hand in fixing somebody else’s. He wondered if there was anything Clarissa could throw at him that would be distracting enough to keep his mind fully off his fight with Alexander, but damned if he wasn’t going to try.

**Author's Note:**

> (Find me on [Tumblr](http://bytheangell.tumblr.com))


End file.
